The 1st Annual MUPOS Award

In Hollywood, it's that time of year again: awards season. And because there can never be enough awards, I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and create a new one, The MUPOS.

Trophy Prototype

The MUPOS (moop-OSE), or "Most Unwatchable Piece of Shit," will be bestowed upon a film that meets the following criteria:

- causes abrupt intervals of bewildered expressions, head-shaking, and/or obscenity-laced muttering to oneself upon being viewed.

- its acting, direction and editing can all be called into question.

And most importantly...

- wondering why, or how, it ever got made sends the viewer (me) into a rage.

***

This year's winner meets all the parameters in spades. Drumroll please....



SPRING BREAKERS!!!


This movie accomplishes something that is at once entirely unique and yet in no way commendable: it is the first film ever to not contain a single scene*.

Instead, the filmmakers opted to string-together various conversations with various montage B-roll. That's not a movie, it's the world's first 94 minute transition. And the 2013 MUPOS!

* filmed footage containing conflict, adversarial motivations, and, ideally, some kind of reveal.


RETROACTIVE WINNERS:

(2009) The Lovely Bones  A tonal ratatouille of "what the hell am I watching?"

(2010) Somewhere  "How is this scene still going on?" devolved into "How did she not yell 'cut' already?"

(2011) The Tree of Life  An experimental cop-out that could've cut any 45 minutes at random and achieved the same thing.

(2012) Battleship  Expectations were pretty damn low, and it still didn't meet them. Hard to think of another film as inept in every element of its assembly.